The Emily Rees Christmas Special

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. At least I hope that there weren’t any mice. I had already blown a few grand on pest control a few months prior. Want to experience the fun of pests? Rent an apartment in New York City.

I’m already off the intended rhyme scheme.  I’m sure I can justify this shift under the guise of ‘subversive free verse’. Isn’t Post-Modernism great?

The stockings were hung on the range hood with care in hopes that they would actually dry there. The computers were all powered down; dreaming of Steam Sales and consoles blown the fuck out. My collection of plush, totally normal for an adult, was in a huddle and I settled in for a winter snuggle. When on the fire escape there arose such a clatter, I sprung from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I moved like a flash; it was faster than your original character’s spindash. I opened the window and what do I see? It was a sleigh with a driver and their eight reindeer hovering over a tree. “Come on, Rei, Yoko, Adolf, Racer X, Haruhi, Heisenberg, Callie and Marie! Now is hardly the time to pee!” Clearly, the driver was a massive weeb. They motioned over to an unseen passenger. “Would you please pause the world for me?”

The passenger spoke “ZA WARULDO”; causing time to freeze. Somehow, I was unaffected and able to move in the world suffering a paralyzing affliction. The driver’s eyebrow rose when a sneeze exited my nose. My sinuses had betrayed me. “We’ve found our candidate!” The passenger announced with glee before he leapt towards me. He was done up in yellow from head to toe in an outfit that was reminiscent of David Bowie. He landed on the fire escape like a crazed ape. “Oh? Instead of running away, you remain here? Even though everyone should be afraid of my CHRISTMAS CHEER!”

“That’s enough, Dio.” The driver said in a stern tone. “You’ve made more than enough of an impression on Ms. Rees. Your price of blood will be paid tonight. Not by her hand but rather thanks to her.” Dio sighed as he spun a candy cane like a throwing knife. “All magic requires some form of sacrifice. I need as much help as I can in these troubled times. Ho ho ho.” Could it really be Santa Claus? “I think it is about time we’re properly introduced.” I finally had a clear view of the driver. It couldn’t be… “I’m your personal representation of Santa Claus…” He removed the false beard to reveal his real face. “Segata Sanshiro.”

“Segata Sanshiro?!?!” I squealed as if I were a schoolgirl again. “I always knew that the Sony rocket couldn’t have actually killed you!” I rushed over to grab my Sega Saturn for judgment. “I did just as you wanted… I played Sega Saturn until my fingers broke.” Senpai looked over my console to confirm my loyalty. He nodded in approval. “Thanks, Segata…” I blushed. “Would you like something to eat or drink?”

Dio had already taken the liberty of raiding my fridge. The price for his loyalty was my entire supply of a certain soft drink. “Who needs those meddling Joestars when there is all of this 7-Up?” Dio jested during the act. A slight gust made me notice that he left the window open.

Segata shook his head. “We’ll have time for pleasantries once the Grinch scourge is purged for another year! I have been combing through shapeshifters worldwide and you’re the first one who passed the stasis test. You have proven yourself worthy of riding in my sleigh for the most holy of tasks.” Dio hopped back onto the sleigh without the slightest flinch. I was about to jump until I saw Segata shake his head again. “Your normal shapeshifting abilities will be insufficient tonight…” He tossed a small present over to me. “It will need to be augmented.”

The present was barely larger than a normal pack of playing cards. Instead of questioning the gesture, I opened it up to reveal a familiar collectible. “The Gokai Christmas key?” It was the special miracle trigger that only happened once a year. The raw power gave me an idea. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells.” I muttered to myself as I searched my shelves for the accompanying toy. Replicating ‘one shot’ character’s power often involved mimicking everything from the appearance. Cautiousness is a necessity for ‘speculative transformations’. I found my mobilates near the bathroom. Don’t ask. “It has been ages since I’ve done this. GOKAI CHANGE.” I loaded the key and turned it. The explosion of Christmas spirit caused me to black out for a moment.

What greeted me when I came to was far different from what I had expected. I had transformed into Terra Brandford from Final Fantasy VI. Shouldn’t I be a female version of Gokai Christmas? “What? How did this happen?” I hid my face in my hands. “Did I do something wrong?”

Dio and Segata chuckled. “The power of Gokai Christmas enhances someone’s latent abilities. In your case, it allowed you to go further beyond your usual limits.” Segata comforted. “The red dress and green hair combo is far more festive than just turning into Lightning again.” Closer inspection of my getup did reveal details such as Christmas lights in place of the usual gems and the hair ribbon was an exaggerated red bow. “What are you waiting for? Our war against the Grinches begins now!” I cast teleport to join my comrades on the sleigh. Segata put on his beard again while Dio handed me a pair of red and green 3D glasses. “Did you ever see They Live? You’ll be able to see the Grinches with those on.”

Elsewhere, the enemies of Christmas were preparing to enact their heinous schemes. The thing about Grinches is that they all hate each other. Normally, the animosity limits efforts to almost ‘tribal efforts’ that often cancel each other out. Unfortunately, Christmas acts as a perfect storm for their efforts. Some called the holiday racist, others called it sexist and some even claimed it was ‘privilege’. Shrill shills whined on high from every perch they could find. “The corporations control you” Screamed the Grinch with an iPhone and Starbucks mug. “We need to bring back the non-offensive Druid tradition!”

The rest of the wails were incomprehensible messes. Some found ways to blame anons, Donald Trump and even people who couldn’t care less. Their world was not a place of discussion but rather division and excommunication. Christmas is meant to be a bonding time of year, but the Grinches’ viewed it with a nasty sneer. Shame and fear were their tactics; their leaders fanatics. The illusion of non-offense was their excuse to force everyone onto the defense. Nothing anyone did was ever enough. Even when the Grinches ‘won’, they never bought the stuff.

The use of strawmen never truly brings amends. However, it is impossible to deny the amount of joy from putting the ‘gory’ in allegory. The Grinches had gathered into little bases they called ‘safe spaces’. They had rigorous screening processes meant to keep out anyone who wasn’t either one of them or a resource to be bled. Waves of hapless peasants surrounded these spaces; their intentions varying from confused to deeply malicious. It’s funny how a group that prided itself on an absence of privilege resembled an era of royal lineage. The masses were simply slalom; their overseers were the problem. One particular hive in New Jersey inspired the first act of nervy. Mongolian throat singing and ramblings about Disney Princesses hardly distracted from the leaders’ scrambling. The seasonal spirit of vengeance had come to enforce an involuntary penance.    

We arrived at the camp a few minutes after departure. Dio could smell my panic. “Are you so quick to underestimate the power of The World? Time has no moved even the slightest since the sleigh arrived in your time zone. Did you really think that Santa could travel around the world in one night WITHOUT freezing time? Wait! Don’t answer that.” He downed a can of 7-Up. “The destruction of Grinches allows me to indulge in a banquet of blood.” He bared his fangs. “Additionally, there is an unintentional side-effect of removing a chunk of the ‘evil’ from the world for the year. My Christmas present is the eradication of my competition.” It would appear that Dio had taken on a role similar to the Krampus tradition. Oh wait, this entire situation was ‘anime club’ to the extreme already. Ahem, I meant to say ‘namahage’ in the place of Krampus. Look it up.

The sleigh stopped just shy of a fancy RV amongst a sea of tents. There was a perimeter of big guys and hired guns surrounding the likely Grinch base. I did a double take when I looked at one of the men. They were clearly a Grinch, yet, without the glasses on, they were nothing more than a rent-a-cop. “Of course… It all makes perfect sense.” I was too caught up in the discovery to notice that the battle had already begun. Dio must have altered the time freeze to give our prey the illusion of a chance. Candy canes flew around wildly somehow managing to find their targets. Grinches bleed green, apparently. My first kill was a Grinch who tried to grab me from behind. A reflexive casting of fira made the aggressor into a perfect asset for a fire prevention PSAs. The remaining guard Grinches ran in fear upon seeing their comrade burn to a husk. I removed my glasses to discover that fire exposed a dead Grinch in its ‘real’ form. The runners didn’t get far enough away to escape firaga.

Segata kicked in the door on the RV. Dio insisted on a snack from his slain prey, which left me on ‘point’ for the breach. I counted seven Grinches without no indication of human hostages. One of them had left the gas on after boiling water. For all I knew, our arrival may have interrupted a barista battle. One of the beasts foolishly flicked their lighter. Time froze once again. Dio shrugged. “These morons seem more than capable of destroying themselves. We’re basically providing them mercy.” The explosion resumed after we had flown away. “I’ve lost count of how many Grinches I’ve killed.” Dio gloated. We traveled along the Eastern seaboard dealing with settlements. Time became meaningless after a certain point. Whole days in frozen time seemed like nothing more than a few minutes. Before anyone asks, the reason Dio wasn’t limited to just five second bursts of THE WORLD was because of Christmas magic.

Some Grinches were better fighters than others, but they all met the same fate. The purpose of the coal finally became clear during the trip. Coal was a tool meant to ward away Grinches. Segata had upgraded the ‘naughty supplies’ to include a seemingly limitless supply of propane tanks and propane accessories. Making the fire rise was our master plan.

We had just finished California when the first moment of true resistance happened. The entire city of Portland, Oregon read as Grinch-infested. Trebuchets were the first sign of trouble. Even more shocking was the sight of the entire populace moving around freely. “Isn’t time frozen? How are they all moving around? Doesn’t Dio need to allow the Grinches to move?”

“Time stop can only stop small concentrations of Grinches hidden in groups of human.” Segata answered. “This concentration is why we needed you to make the trip.” A barrage of arrows flew by the sleigh far too close for comfort. “They were planning this for months. They’ve been preparing while we attacked the outliers.” A flaming fruitcake passed on the right. “Terra, you go down and deal with the anti-air batteries. Dio will tackle the ‘Culture District’.” Dio jumped off from the sleigh without a moment’s hesitation.

I paused. “What about you? You’re a sitting duck up here.”

“Go!” Segata pushed me out of the sleigh moments before a flaming pile of failed indie film scripts slammed into the sleigh. I crashed into the awning of a restaurant seventy feet below the sleigh. I rolled off the flimsy construct onto the cold pavement below. I was on my back looking up. Much to my horror, I watched the sleigh begin to descend into a crash. I gasped expecting the worst until I heard a familiar call. “Henshin!” A bright light enveloped the sleigh granting it ‘transformation immunity’. The spectacle transformed the sleigh into a flying weapon platform with robot reindeer that fired lasers from their noses. Segata was now wearing the Kamen Rider Ichigo mask. The allusion makes sense if you’re at all familiar with M.A.S.K. “Obscurity is the ultimate weapon!” He screamed during the sleigh’s glorious ascent to its combat ceiling. A trendy enemy can’t counter what they aren’t aware of via clickbait websites. Segata’s ‘SLAYER’, a terrible pun, would keep him in the fight.

Now I had to make my contribution to the battle. Hordes of Grinches encroached from all sides. Why couldn’t I stand up? My repressed exhaustion incapacitated me in a cruel twist of fate. I could only manage one more attack and luck favored me in that moment. Riot Blade eviscerated the largest Grinch in the group. The rest scurried once the concentrated magic dematerialized the foe. I caught my breath. A nearby abandoned sleeping bag gave me an idea. The restorative nature of the camping product was immediate. HP and MP fully restored. Now I was cooking with gas again. Actually, hold that thought. I was cooking with clean-burning propane.

Portland Grinches were significantly more advanced than the other tribes. Fire, while effective, was far from a one-hit kill. It didn’t matter because I had a sharp sword and a tireless swing. I looted a cell phone from one of the fallen Grinches and headphones from another. I’m sure they wouldn’t be able to complain about someone using their 4G data. DOOM music makes even the most boring chore fun. I was a certified kitchen ace, who took names, in no time. A challenge finally appeared once the literal white knights showed up.

Genghis Khan’s mounted Mongol archer nearly took over the world because of their technological advantages. Why do I bring this up? Put simply, the Grinch archers never got the memo that mobility is important for survival. The sound of storming hooves approaching took me by surprise. I turned around to see a group of horseback Grinches in armor that looked like an Etsy bastardization of Stormtrooper armor and something from Game of Thrones. “GET OUT OF HERE, GAMER GIRL.” The leader of the bunch demanded. “Or we’ll be forced to engage!” They all had functioning replicas of Kylo Ren’s cross-guard lightsaber. “ATTACK!” Did he seriously feel in charge here? The principle of ‘enough monkeys with typewriters was in full effect’. Collective chaos from the inept knights somehow led to enough strikes making their mark. I teleported a few yards away, but that safety proved only temporary. Attrition was their tactic. The leader’s voice changed frequently enough to indicate I was still making progress. How many Grinch LARPers were there? Not even DOOM music helped after a point.

Eventually, only one Grinch remained. He was significantly taller than his fallen brethren at about eight feet tall and wore a ski mask. He had a weird tonfa-like weapon in place of the countless light sabers now littering the ground akin to rakes in a comedy sketch. “You’ve killed a lot of my PC bros tonight. We let you off easy because you’re a fictionkin lesbian. Even the most tolerant of white knights have limits when it comes to scum like you!” He wickedly spun the tonfa-thing into a position like a lance. “MAY THE ODDS BE IN YOUR FAVOR IN THE AFTERLIFE!” A Hunger Games reference? Really? DSP wow.

I dodged the thrusts and jabs with relative ease. Alas, it seemed that nothing I could do was affecting the brute. I lacked the high ground and he had the longer reach horizontally. I became visibly frustrated. “Maybe we should let you be the exception to our ‘no damsels in distress’ rule. You’d make a great example of the power of PC to overcome everything! Not even Christmas magic can stop me now!” Ultima, my most powerful spell, required more concentration than the nuisance would allow. Maybe I could hold out long enough for Segata to check in on me. I had cleared out the aerial defenses for him. “Think of all the magic I could drain from an esper like you! I’ll become the judge, jury and executioner of privilege!”

“Esper?” I had nearly forgotten about that aspect of this form. I let ‘go’ of myself as I fell into a trance. My body collapsed forward as if I were a narcoleptic. The transformation was intense enough to knock me out. The resulting creature was a significantly taller pink-furred esper. She stood up eager to fight the obnoxious foe. She screamed in a heavily distorted version of my voice. “RIP AND TEAR… RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS! YOU’RE HUGE, WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” I dozed off to much needed sleep to allow ‘her’ to clean up. Instinct drove the beast I happened to share a body with. My ‘dreams’ came to me in bursts of action. The images and sounds became too distorted to make sense of.

I woke up in my bed without any sign of what had happened over the perceived weeks of time. I felt myself over to discover that I was still my usual nerdy bitch self. “Was it all a dream?” I asked half asleep as I put on my glasses “I know those sleep aids can be powerful, but I didn’t think they would do that…” Opening the refrigerator revealed something amiss. “Who took all of my 7-Up?” A note in place of the soda suggested turning on the news. The networks were caught up in a frenzy of stories about mysterious fires the previous night with no obvious signs of victims. A state of emergency was declared in Portland because of a strange green substance overflowing from the sewer system. I never had the chance to ask what the Grinches really were or where they came from. Were they corrupted human beings or manifestations of the human evil? Had the ‘crusade’ made a difference or was it just delaying something inevitable? Was I a ‘good person’ after what I had done?

The sight of presents under the ‘Christmas tree’, a bonsai tree on my kitchen counter near the microwave, ended the introspection. “Oooh! Presents!” Don’t pretend that you’d react any differently. You know that you would be distracted in that moment as well. One of the presents was a red and green glasses case. The held a pair 3D glasses that seemed to come from the night before. “It’s worth a shot…” I swapped my glasses for the novelty ones. At first nothing seemed to happen. “It was just a dream.” Then I spied the stray green hairs. Checking the bathroom mirror confirmed that there was some truth to my dream.

An envelope awaited me at the bottom of the presents.  

                            “Dear Emily R,
                    Now there are no limits. You must keep playing Sega Saturn.
                                                             
                                                          From,
                                                        'Santa'."