2017 Christmas Crossover Story

The following is canon.

Prologue: - Located in a dimension FAR away from our own.

            “All Father, the Progonos [ancient precursor civilization; long speculated about in both Rep and Mam cultures] Eliminator is up and running!” The rep squealed with excitement at the prospect of his fringe research project finally coming to fruition. “All it needs is your authorization to… No, this can’t be right?” Suddenly, a series of explosions rocked the room.

            “Set the device to attack the highest concentration of mams with the lowest defenses! I want Victory by Nardokahn! [Rep holiday celebrated that is roughly equivalent to a solstice.] Give me results or I’ll use your corpse as fertilizer!” All Father teleported off of the ship to an unseen location where another ship lay in wait. He would survive to fight another day, but whichever warm-bloods felt the brunt of the ‘Eliminator’ wouldn’t live to see Messiagogna [Mam holiday].

            “Don’t leave us at the mercy of…” The rep researcher’s lament was cut short once AV’s blade emerged through their chest. “You’re too late… There’s a dead rep swit…” Too late for him: Chad Scorcher ripped off their head before they could finish. AV let out a slight sigh while pulling his sword out of the dead rep.

            “Was that really necessary, ‘Baphy’?” AV had to play along with Chad Scorcher’s quirks whenever he let the ‘damon’ [it’s demon in German, ok?] come out. Zieges [goats] were always accused of associating with damons and other entities, but leave it to Scorcher to actually embrace the notion to its logical conclusion. In Chad’s youth, his parents decided to partially sacrifice their son to the Repdannum God of Death, Baphoset, [Totally original name. Do not steal] in hopes that the Zieges could scare the Rep invaders into surrender. Their plan worked too well once ‘Baphy’ discovered a taste for cold and warm blood alike. His bloodlust was unquenchable for years UNTIL Chad found a way to regain control. Baphy lost one of his elongated horns in a battle, which gave Chad enough control to remove the other one.

            “Fool! His cowardice was almost made even more delicious~ The body makes such fantastic chemicals in the event of unexpected and sudden death.” ‘Baphy’ took his fill from the corpse on the ground. Even a damon needs to feed. This act of sustenance became the opportunity that AV and others had to use to get Chad ‘back’ in control. This ‘exploit’ became a norm for the SVS after he joined the group. “NO!!!” He let out in protest once AV began to pull. In only a moment, the Living Massacre became Chad Scorcher once again.

            “Chikai, can you determine where the weapon is going?” AV turned his attention to the giant weapon that seemed to be activating despite all of the sabotage efforts. “We blew the power source and killed the operator, but it is still going. Now what do we do?”

            “Oi, you didn’t need to pull the horns so early. I was still in control, AV.” Chad complained in his somewhat grating accent. “You shoulda let me rip it apart! Don’t make me pull rank on you.”

            “Commander Scorcher, we don’t have time for this. We threw EVERY LWS we have at this thing and it still functions.” AV fired a barrage of negative energy towards the device to no effect. “We’re running out of time, Chikai… Turn the thing off!” The unseen AI continued its frantic efforts to find a weakness.

            “AV, why do you even care? It’s only gonna blow up an abandoned colony somewhere. We killed the egg-brain who made it work. Keepin’ one bomb from goin’ off aint gonna make a difference.”

            “The code is almost impossible to decipher.” Chikai couldn’t make any sense of the nuances of the device from a connected terminal. “Rep understanding of it is less than what we have… They rigged it to be a terror-former until they gave up along the way. I can lock onto its coordinates.”

            “Do it, Chikai. We can interce…” The Apocalypse Diamonds reacted on their own. AV, Chikai and the Eliminator vanished from the room.

PROLOGUE OVER

            Emily Rees Presents:

            Senseless Violence Squad Vs. 9/11imals: The Dark Generation + The Rees Family Saga

            Featuring Guest Appearances by select WWE Superstars, MC Ride and Death Grips, Gus from Crazy Taxi, Rich Evans and some SPECIAL SURPRISES.

            ENJOY.

            Our proper story begins in a small cabin located within the rural area of Connecticut. The mailbox outside says ‘REES’, which could only suggest one possible thing. Inside of the house lives Emily’s long lost [I.E: never mentioned] mother, Sylvia Rees, and somehow… Emily’s daughters are present. Sylvia, a retired ‘The Company’ employee, relaxed in her favorite chair knitting something for her granddaughters. The scene was wholesome and charming enough for a postcard until the argument started between the girls.

            “Claire, why won’t you go with me to the City? This is our first chance to really spend time together!” Ripley’s face turns red in a huff. On closer inspection, she was likely overheating due to her very elaborate winter outerwear ensemble. It was almost as though she’s hid something. “It’s a very bonding experience to ice skate at Madison Square Garden!”

            “Don’t you mean ‘Rockefeller Center’ or are you going to claim ‘timeline difference again’?” Claire was in no mood to travel tonight: she had on her favorite black sleep shirt and she had hours worth of content to watch on the DVR. “You seem in an awfully uncharacteristic hurry, sis. Do you have a date?”

            “No, not at all!” Ripley blushed deeply. “It’s our last chance at a 1/3^rd Moon before the end of the year.” This excuse wasn’t enough to keep Claire from prying. Ripley squirmed in vain to keep her sister from unzipping her parka. “Stop it.” Claire began to tickle for added humiliation. “No! Stop tickling me!” Less than a minute later, Claire had the parka off to reveal Ripley’s secret. “It’s not what it looks like!”

            “I knew it once you blurted out Madison Square Garden, Ripley.” Claire tried to hold back a laugh at the sight of her sister in an approximation of ring gear that one of the female WWE wrestlers wore. Not like Claire watched the domestic stuff. “Now I know who took some of my materials. You do know that Halloween was over a month ago, right?”

            “Don’t act so cool because you only watch New Japan. Bullet Club is just nWo-Lite!” Ripley surprise hugged her sister.

            “Grandma, tell Ripley to stop being such a mark.”

            “Girls, now isn’t the time for you to be fighting. Shouldn’t you both enjoy the fact that you watch simulated violence justified with the threadwork of storylines?” Sylvia separated the two from each other. “I’d go with you Ripley-dear, but I retired here to avoid the chaotic pace in the Big Apple. Do you know anyone else that you…” The door bell ringing stopped her mid-sentence. “Now who could that be?” Sylvia grabbed a MAC-10 from her knitting basket. She crept to the door slowly, took position to retaliate, flicked off the safety and peeked through the peephole. “… President George W. Bush?”

            The 9/11imals Excursion Vehicle [a 2003 Dodge Caravan] had broken down on its way to a new lead pertaining to the PORT AUTHORITY’s coverup of 9/11. Sir Renegade Pirate Captain Leader President George W. Bush Powerboat the Third Esquire Robot Ninja Extreme – The Experience volunteered to run recon on his own. In reality, he had forgotten about Christmas and wanted to get presents for the 9/11imals along with finding new evidence. Alas, the Excursion Vehicle wasn’t designed to traverse snow. Bush was lucky enough to end up near the first house in miles. “Hello? My vehicle broke down and I need to make a call.” The 9/11imals communicator, a 2006-era Boost Mobile ‘walkie talkie’ phone, was out of viable range. Bush KNEW they should have used T-Mobile.

            “I knew this day would come.” Sylvia parted her white hair back as she shifted her reading glasses to ballistic eyewear. “What’s the former president authentication phrase?”

            “Oh, way to put me on the spot, house lady. Let me think.” Bush ignored most of the ‘continuity of protection’ seminars in favor of watching Scooby Doo movies on the Presidential TV before Obama moved in. He blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Rock and Roll Hotdogs!”

            “Rock and Roll Hotdogs?” Sylvia gasped. Yes, this truly was a former President at her doorstep. Even though she was retired, certain protocols did kick in instinctually. “Sir, get in the house.” Sylvia opened to door and pulled in Bush with one fluid motion. “Have you been injured? Poisoned? Followed?”

            “No, my vehicle broke down.” Bush looked around the house trying to find a landline phone. “I didn’t tell you the ‘activate the thermal nuclear tennis ball’ phrase, right?”

            “Not at all. Where’s your Secret Service detail? Were they incapacitated?”

            “No, I was only driving here on my own.”

            “Mr. President, there ARE procedures in place for your protection and national interest. You are a high-value individual EVEN after your term ended.” Sylvia finished the pat down for signs of damage. “Take a seat on the couch while I prep the toxicology test.

            “You have a nice place here, um…” Bush was always terrible at names.”You look like an Ana I know.”

            “Wow, a former President called you by a video game character name, Grandma.” Claire burst out laughing.

            “It’s not that funny, Yang from RWBY.” Bush didn’t know shit about RWBY, but he caught Jeb with a body pillow from it once. That was on the same day he dropped out from the 2016 Election. That was another classic Jeb moment.

            “That reference doesn’t even make sense in context!” Claire protested.

            “Oooh! We should absolutely cosplay as Yang and Ruby for WeebCon 2018, sis.” Ripley already imagined the fun of having a scythe that was also a sniper rifle at frame rates that the source material could never manage.

            “Let’s limit your weird costumes to one at a time. I still don’t know who you’re even supposed to be.” Claire rolled her eyes.

            “Wait, Yang doesn’t recognize Bayley when she sees her?” Bush validated Ripley’s choice. “I almost forgot that the Holiday Havoc House Show was tonight! I really wish that I could go.”

            “I have a great idea. Why don’t you two go to your house show while I stay here and fix your car?” Claire offered to deal with two problems at once.

            “Oh wow! That would be wrestlicious to the max!” Bush was more enthused than the time he predicted the Letter AND Number of the Day on an episode of Sesame Street. “How are we going to get there, though?”

            “Leave that to me.” Ripley removed her costume to place inside of a duffle bag. Obviously, she had her futuristic ‘not quite a jumpsuit’ outfit on underneath. “If you’ll agree to hold my bag, I can arrange for our transportation.” Claire eagerly handed Ripley a syringe filled with a glowing green fluid. “Oh! Are you going to let me use the nano-machines again?”

            “It is almost Christmas and I am feeling generous.”

            Ripley squeals with delight. “Thanks, sis! This night is going to be amazing!” She suddenly needed to explain the situation to the former President. “I know what this looks like and it isn’t drugs. You’ll see soon enough.” She injected the entire sample into her neck without a second of hesitation. “Come on, Mr. President!” Ripley handed the bag and her set of tickets to Bush. “We have a show to attend!”

            Ripley and Bush ran out towards the backyard of the property. Apart from some light snow, the area was barren with no sign of a garage or other vehicles. Bush scratched his head. “How are we going to get to New York from here? Do you have a helicopter coming or something like that?”

            “Silly former President, you don’t have any idea what we are, do you? Quick question: are you averse to seeing body horror?”

            “Not really. Why do you…” Bush watched Ripley turn into an F-35B Lightning II fighter jet. He will never be unable to see that ever again. “You’re one of those transformazoids!”

            “We can chit-chat in the air, come on!” Ripley’s voice echoed through an external speaker. Her cockpit opened up beckoning for her passenger to get in. “It’s going to get really loud once I VTOL, so cover your ears.” Bush took his seat in deep fear of the alternative. The cockpit closed with a slight ‘thud’. “We’ll be there in merely a few minutes.” AIRCRAFT NOISES INTENSIFY.

            MEANWHILE, at Madison Square Garden, not all was going well in the WWE Universe. Even though the event was merely a house show in the WWE’s home away from TITAN TOWERS, backstage politics still reigned supreme. Some genius had decided to call in the whole RAW roster without considering that the schedule was only squash matches and Kurt Angle’s awkward first Christmas with his ‘totally real’ illegitimate son. The chants of ‘YOU SUCK’ were malicious rather than gestures of respect. Two particular performers found themselves incredibly bored in the waiting area for queuing that wasn’t going to come tonight.

            Finn Balor opened up the group of 2018 release Lego sets that he had managed to get at the Toys R Us before the show started. He hadn’t planned to open them until Christmas day, but, since Vince ‘lost confidence’ in him, he felt that he might as well build them during ‘obligation time’. He decided to make 31074-1 ‘Rocket Rally Car’ first because it was a centralized model as opposed to the annoying faux-playset configuration with multiple ‘props’ like most City sets. The instructions were hard to see in the dim backroom lighting. “Hey, Bray. Bring out that lantern. Not like you’re being used tonight.”

            Bray Wyatt, the Eater of Worlds and 2017’s worst booked wrestler, sat idly in full entrance gear near the enthused Lego fan. Vince promised one thing tonight, but didn’t deliver beyond running an earlier promo video again. Without a word, he pulled out the lantern prop to illuminate the Lego instructions. At least he didn’t need to do a segment where he made a ‘Gingerbread House of Horrors’ and still somehow managed to lose that match… or be in a dress again.

            Bayley exited from the Women’s locker room in quite a sour mood. Why had she been dragged along to this event if the plan was to find a way to have Roman Reigns win the RAW Women’s Championship that night as well? She couldn’t even vent this frustration on camera because Alexa Bliss was booked to lose it to Roman. The prep team hadn’t even brought the token wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men props to give her the hope of an entrance that night. “I’ll guess you weren’t picked either.” Bayley said to Bray and Finn. “You must be angry if the Legos are coming out.”

            “The plural is still Lego.” Finn corrected her while working on the vehicle’s chassis. “I’d be the Demon if I was actually angry.”

            “Do you ever regret leaving Japan?” Bray finally spoke.

            “Sometimes.” Finn prepped the tires. “I’m sure, given enough time…” The distinct sound of Roman Reigns’ theme in the distance marked the start of the planned ‘ROMAN EMPIRE CONQUERS ALL OF THE TITLES’ storyline. “I wonder if I can convince Vince to let me wrestle Kenny after Jericho.”

            “I am but a firefly caught in his jar and when he looks at me, I can’t help but glow.” Bray added. [I had to find a random quote about fireflies, ok?]

            “That’s beautiful, Bray! Where did you get that from?”

            “A Snapple bottle cap.” Bray did his best to cover his phone. Not like he had searched Google during Finn’s discussion of Japan.

             “Oh.” Bayley looked around the waiting area for any sort of window as a distraction. The tiled walls responded with nothing less than cold, unending silence. “Do you think anyone will notice if we sneak out for a few minutes?”

            “Might as well.” Finn finished off the Lego construct. “Maybe we’ll see a shooting star.”

            ELSEWHERE, in the skies of Manhattan, a flaming object appeared overhead flying in a trajectory towards the Upper New York Bay. Ripley attempted to flinch at the sight of the meteorite. She remembered that she was a plane and focused on getting to the show. Still… She did want to check out whatever it was after the show finished. Bush wondered if the object would shed new light on the 9/11 Commission and/or Plum Island. The three disenfranchised performers also managed to see the strange object. What neither group knew at the time was that they were about to experience the most surreal Christmas time experience ever.

OBLIGATORY SONG GOES HERE:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2cQvZ… [Watch for maximum holiday]

            “AV! Wake up!” Chikai screamed in AV’s head to wake him up. He was in a city of some kind, but where was the Eliminator? AV stood up slowly, trying to get his bearings. “I don’t know where we are. There isn’t a single identifiable mam anywhere within scanner range. Could this be the long rumored planet of mam primords?”

            “Chikai, you’re directly in my awareness. You don’t need to communicate in all ‘PRIORITY’ mode.” AV pulled Chikai’s interface chip from the back of his neck. “I’ll insert you again after I stabilize.” AI’s tend to become very annoying when they’re operating in unknown territory. “Hack the local networks and assimilate as much data as you can, got it?” AC placed the chip into his pocket.

            “Hell of an entrance you made there.” Finn complimented AV on his sudden appearance. “Are you a new talent or something?” In the wrasslin’ business, one does not immediately question the presence of an anthropomorphic kitsune outside of a show.

            “New talent?” AV raised an eyebrow upon seeing the hairless creature. He touched one of Finn’s hands to check whether or not he was a warm blood. “You pass the blood temperature test. I’m on a mission of major importance.”

            “Ok... I don’t know how this situation could become any stranger.” Fate answered Finn’s request almost immediately once Ripley, now back in a humanoid form and in her ultimate fan outfit, and a former President showed up. “Nevermind.”

            “Bayley-senpai!” Ripley leapt onto the unsuspecting hugger. “I always wanted to hug you!” Bayley tried to return the gesture without seeming too confused. “See, Renegade Pirate Captain Leader President George W. Bush Powerboat the Third? I told you this night would be amazing and we’re only getting started!”

            Bush and Bray locked eyes. You’re expecting them to have some dialogue about what they’ve seen and done, don’t you? Instead they locked hands in a manly handshake that confirmed that they had both stared into the abyss.

            Bayley gently pushed Ripley away. “Will someone please explain what is happening?”

            *Filler exposition goes here.*

            “Now that we’re all on the same page, we do need to figure out how to save this ‘Christmas’ you speak of. It would be so much easier if Chikai could more easily communicate with the group.” AV contemplated how to setup his AI companion in a projector mode or something similar. That was easier said than done without the more advanced utilization rig present. He showed the small chip to the group. “Any ideas of how to interface this with your technology?”

            “Oh! You need a body for an AI? That’s no problem.” Ripley decapitated a group of parking meters for the necessary ‘parts’ to start her project. “I constantly need to fix the Hoffi units after each of my sister’s anti-synth moods. Bush, give me your cell phone.” Ripley took Bush’s Boost Mobile phone and Chikai’s chip with great care. She rigged the chip the cellphone, placed the phone among the other components. “Here goes nothing.” Plasma shot out of Ripley’s hands towards the pile. Odd pops and other discomforting noises rang out during the process of reshaping the components into a humanoid shape. “And done.” Ripley’s stomach let out a nasty growl. “I need to find a food vendor to recharge. Don’t leave without me, got it?” She floated off towards the nearest hotdog stand. The odd sight made the group realize that she had one robotic leg.

            The new being Ripley created whirred to life. “How do I look, AV?” Chikai asked her compatriot. “I tried to find the closest thing to a Tokki based on what the humans call ‘memes’. Tokki means rabbit in Korean and I went from there.” There’s no getting around it: Chikai’s body was molded into a dead ringer for D.Va. Don’t let your memes be dreams. “Winky face?” Chikai remained unsure of how to balance blending in and ‘understanding’ the meaning behind these memes. Repeated data dictated importance everywhere else in reality. Could the human culture be all that different from the likes of Knegar-195? “I got the meme wrong, didn’t I? Nyoro~n”

            “I knew I was going to spend Christmas with a character from Overwatch!” Bush gloated. “My last fortune cookie from Panda Express told me.”

            “That’s an oddly specific fortune. Did you happen to have a popsicle stick tell you how we are going to get to the Statue of Liberty on Christmas Eve… eve night?” Chikai questioned the presence of such mysticism in a society otherwise reliant on technology and convenience science.

            “I know people at the Port Authority. We can get on ANY boat once we reach there.” Bush lied. Once again, his plan was to steal a boat.

            “We’ll call an Uber!” Bayley cheered.

            “Are you crazy? No Uber is going to take a party of seven without being insanely expensive. Face it, Christmas is doomed.” Finn said in a defeated tone.

            “We must find someone truly desperate and on the edge of destruction to provide us transport at this time.” Bray pointed to an empty taxi with the license plate ‘ONLY777’. The driver inside was Gus from CRAZY TAXI. “We will ask that unintentional luddite to drive us once the floating laser girl comes back.”

            The years following the demise of the Dreamcast had been pretty hard on Gus. Everyone remembers Axel and B.D Joe, but time forgot Gus after a brief stint driving in Las Vegas in the early 2000’s. Significantly less crazy ‘taxiing’ covered the bills and obligations until everyone with a car thought they were a hotshot driver. He had become a nomad looking for some market where his set of specific skills could fill a niche. A brown paper bag held the release from his pain if he wanted to finally let the clock run out to lead to the permanent ‘game over’. A knock on his front window broke his concentration. “We’re past the meter hours…” Gus noticed that the sudden guest was the farthest thing possible from an NYPD meter maid. “Do you need a ride, little girl?” Gus immediately regretted saying that in the ‘bachelor in his late 50’s who never gave up on his dreams’ way he always did in 1999. “What I meant to say is, are you with someone of legal adult age who can pay?”

            “Who are you calling a child?” Chikai acted indignant as though it was the expectation. “I’m with a group of seven who need to get to the port. Think you can do it?”

            “That sounds awfully complicated. Why don’t you wait for a bus or call an Uber?” Gus subconsciously set the fare counter instinctively. He did need to tell people about the alternatives before mentioning his rate. “If you do need to be there in two minute or less, I suppose we could do it for $3000 US cash or charge. I’m serious.”

            “Only $3000? That’s easy mode compared to the over $9000 estimates.” Chikai gestured for the group to approach the taxi. Ripley returned with two hotdogs in her mouth mid-chewing. Shapeshifting uses up a lot of energy, after all.* [*This is the excuse Ripley actually uses.] Fitting everyone in the vehicle was a tight squeeze, BUT, after Chikai slid into the trunk, everyone was comfortable enough. “That’s everyone, let’s go!”

            “Let’s have some fun.” Gus inserted his ‘CRAZY’ mix CD-R into the taxi’s CD player.[ www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vljkq… – Listen to this for maximum immersion ] Gus did a CRAZY BACK DASH to pull the taxi out of the parking space quickly. He was on the clock now and wanted to prove that he was still the best. A CRAZY DRIFT gave the pedestrians a reason to be afraid while also moving the taxi in a clearer path towards the port. A combination of weaving, boosting, The Offspring and Bad Religion brought the taxi to its destination in record time. “Still the best. 1999.”

            Bush exited from the car first since he was tasked with securing a boat to get to the island. Plus, he didn’t want to pull out his credit card to pay the crazy driver. “If I were the Port Authority, where would I put the boats?” Bush looked out into the bay to see boats floating. “In the water!”

            “Is there a problem here, sir?” A balding, middle-aged man wearing a white shirt and holding a clipboard asked Bush. His name tag read Rich Evans. “I’m with the New York Port Authority and you fit a profile of someone who is on a watch list. I‘m here to confirm that you aren’t the...” He was cut off mid-sentence.

            “Aw, screw it. Let’s talk about Christmas special clichés!” Bush signaled for the group to steal whatever boat they could find. Gus tagged along because, in his downtime, he played enough HYDRO THUNDER to be qualified as a boat operator. “Riding in Santa’s sleigh!”

            Rich Evans fell for the distraction like a Mon Mothma to the bizarre Galactic Republic politics following the Battle of Endor. “Naughty and Nice lists!”

            “Candy canes!”

            “Reindeer.”

            “I CLAPPED WHEN RUDOLPH LED THE SLEIGH.”

            “Grinch.”

            “HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING AND KNOWS WHEN YOU’RE AWAKE. JUST LIKE THE NSA.”

            “AT-STs!”

            “What? That’s not Christmas.”

            “Oh, I mean… STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL.”

            “I CLAP WHENEVER STAR WARS IS MENTIONED.”

            “IT BROKE NEW GROUND.”

    “AT-STs! AT-STs!”

            The distraction worked better than expected. Now Bush had to knock out Rich Evans to sneak onto the boat. “Oh! I heard that Santa will give you exclusive Episode IX footage IF you close your eyes for the rest of the night. Are you enough of a fan to do that?”

            “You bet! AT-STs!” Rich Evans closed his eyes. Unimportant to the plot, but the later guilt following this incident ate at Rich like the Swamp of Sadness when it killed the horse in the Neverending Story. The difference here being that the Swamp of Sadness is drinking and the horse is a hack fraud. CLAP IF YOU GET THIS REFERENCE.

            The group reached the island without incident. youtu.be/AAZfMwUZDZk - This pretty much summarizes Chikai in full MEME mode. I’ll add an expanded boat scene if someone ACTUALLY wants to do a stage version of this. Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Bush accidentally created new life on the boat through a mix of expired hot dogs, a faulty microwave and a piece of paper that was present at the moment that gave Matt Murdock powers and created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. THE ‘ROCK AND ROLL HOT DOGS’^TM? ARE CANON AND HAVE A RICH HISTORY.

SLIGHTLY LATER

            The motley crew, along with the Rock and Roll Hot Dogs™^?, stared at the opening canister that had landed near Lady Liberty. A formless being emerged emitting an awful screech. It begged for someone to give it a form to destroy this worthless planet. It let out a sickening laugh once one of the group assigned it a form. “One of you has doomed their entire species. All will know the name of Evolsogora Agonymist!”

            “Who thought of something?” Finn panicked. “It wasn’t me. Was it you, Bush?”

            “It was me.” Cobain, the RADICAL PARTY HOTDOG, admitted. “I thought of the least dangerous thing I could.”

            “Why did you do it, Cobain? Now all ROCK AND ROLL HOTDOGS^TM? Are doomed!” Presley, the cool and collected leader who tried to balance passions for extreme sports, martial arts and interior design theory, scolded his packmate [brothers, in Hot Dog culture].

            “I’m the worst type of hot dog imaginable: a total turkey.” Cobain unsheathed his bendy straw staff in hopes that attacking the monster mid-transformation would be enough to kill it. To his dismay, Evolsogora simply ate him. He had chosen the form of a certain Disney princess he had seen once on a Kid Cuisine box in the freezer aisle of a grocery store.

            “Cobain, no!” Hendrix and Bonham screamed in unison. Their deep and intricate stories erased into the unforgiving abyss of Evolsogora’s mouth. Oh the sausagemanity! They made the snackrifice.

            “I know that killing you will exterminate your entire race.” Evolsogora ripped Presley in half. “I will make you feel the life draining from your form into the ether of eternity. Nah, merely pretending.” She ground the corpse into the lawn beneath her heels. Someone probably wishes that they were crushed in place of the talking hot dog. “They were merely an appetizer compared to what I’ll do to your race.”

            “So? You can eat hot dogs. What’s all that scary about Elsa from Frozen?” Bayley lowered her kendo stick.

            “Don’t be so quick to underestimate this Eater of Worlds. I sense a spirit in her that makes me tremble.” Bray straddled the lines between commitment to character and making shit up.

            “Bray’s right.” Chikai scanned Elsa. “We’re going to need another Progonos weapon or a greater power to stop her.”

            “I’m right?” Bray gasped. “Wait, what’s a Progonos? It sounds like a bad sushi dish.”

            “Oh right. Let me translate…” Chikai ran the idea through Google translate to figure out an equivalent. “It means ancestor… We believe that our ancient ancestors were raised as pets for eight-limbed creatures. Do you have anything like that here?”

            “We need a pure-octo to kill them?” Ripley suggested the unthinkable. “I know what to do. Bray, can you actually summon or is it all for show?”

            “I can if I have a house to work in. The structure helps the ceremony.” Bray mouthed a possible summoning routine. “Even if we did have a house, what are you trying to summon?”

            “My mom!” Thunder roared in the distance.

            “If I could get enough Lego, I might be able to make a house. Don’t know how we’d get the bricks here.” Finn pulled out a loose 1x4 piece that ended up stuck in his jacket. “Ripley, do you think you could make a few hundred thousand of these?”

            “Let me see that.” AV grabbed the small plastic piece abruptly. The composition seemed easy enough to replicate. Concentrating on it allowed him to convert raw negative energy into a massive pile of bricks. “Will that work?”

            Finn checked the bricks to make sure they had the Lego stamp on them. He would never attempt to use ‘off-brands’ in a summoning procedure to stop an extraterrestrial threat. “They’ll do.” He began to build like crazy as any proper Lego maniac would.

            “FOOLS, do not think you can stop me.” Elsa moaned. “I am unconquerable!” Bayley grabbed Elsa in an incapacitating hug. “LET ME GO! MY POWERS FESTER.”

            “Great plan, Bayley! Elsa’s power level is still only at that of hot dog destruction. If we keep her distracted long enough, then we can summon Ripley’s mom to kill her!” Bush couldn’t believe what he had said. He had to whisper to Ripley for clarity. “How is your mom an octopus?”

            “You’ll see soon enough, Bush! You and Bayley keep Elsa busy while we bring back my mom!” Ripley dove into the pile of bricks to add to the building effort.

            The building group had a ‘rough’ one story house done in a matter of minutes. Ripley wanted to omit building a room until Finn remembered that the strict definition of a ‘house’ within the Lego system included a roof, at least two walls and a door. Bray pieced together a promo that should be more than enough to summon a spirit. Everything seemed to be going perfectly until the first run of the promo didn’t even spark a response.

            “Wait! We need to use the SACRED RUNES!” Chikai drew the following diagram in the dirt. “Make that in Lego and try again!” Finn quickly assembled the sacred artifact in the form of a mosaic carpet for the house. “Let’s hope this isn’t a total loss.” Chikai involuntarily held her hands out in a strange manner upon saying the word. “Odd, there are so many memes pertaining to the Sacred Runes and ‘loss’.”

            Now was Bray’s time to shine. He stood in the house in silence to set the mood. “Elsa, do you really think we could just let this all go? That we could just forget your threat? What are you really afraid of? My dark side is far more to face than some processed meat in casings. No, it’s not me you’re afraid of. It’s the unknown spirit lurking in the shadows wanting to come forth. To imagine that such a sweet little girl [Ripley is 23] could have her mother taken away from her. Do you think we’re inviting that mother back tonight or is it something else? Is it a monster preying on this young child’s innocent soul? I’m not afraid of this monster because I control it. I harness it. I can smell your fear, Elsa. You might not know what it even means to suffer, but you will. I demand the abyss to strike you down with a bolt of lightning. You will know pain and suffering unlike anything ever seen or experienced before.  Hear me now, Sister Emily; your prey is ready.”

            The fates blew the looming lightning storm in the distance closer to the island. The thunder almost had a rhythm to it as it accelerated. There was no mistaking that beat: the storm was thundering the beginning chords of “Ride the Lightning”. Shit was about to get real.

            “Do you think mere noise will stop me?” Elsa gained the upper hand over Bayley and Bush. Elsa reversed one of Bayley’s hold, knocking her to the ground, before kicking Bush in the head. She quickly froze the two in place to remove them from the battle. “All your theatrics won’t save you from my POWER!”

            A bolt of lightning struck near Elsa with enough energy to allow Emily to rematerialize from another dimension. The 1.337 Gigawatts brings back the original ‘octo nerd bitch’ with a vengeance. “Kept you waiting, huh?” Emily wore a strange outfit containing elements from Bayonetta’s original outfit, a few indeterminate sources and a very clear lightning bolt on the chest. She DID need to look the part to fit in with ‘sports entertainment’ aesthetic. “What is this? The cast of Street Fighter V? Who even are half of you?” Emily ran her right hand through her hair to deal with a few standing hairs. “This is worse than the last Christmas special I was in.”

            “Mom! It’s really you!” Ripley excitedly floated over towards the resurrected Emily.

            “What the fuck? Why are you calling me ‘mom’?” Emily levitated just out of the fangirl’s reach. “How long was I out?” She gasped at the sight of her original Sonic OC somehow existing alongside the other weirdos. “Did someone make a cult about me and my darkest secrets while I was gone? Actually, don’t answer that…”

            “It’s 2017 and I don’t know what is going on either. Floaty girl told us that you’re an octopus who can kill the ancestor weapon that the kistune told us about. Get to frying the princess already, Lightning.” Finn Balor opted to be the voice of reason. He had nothing to lose encouraging the demi-goddess he had helped summon. “Make this a main event to remember!”

            “I understand entirely.” Emily turned her gaze towards the foe she was destined to vanquish once again. “It’s funny that you caught me on the day when I wasn’t destroying repurposed monsters.” Total silence indicated that the joke flew over the group’s heads. “Yeah, you’re right. It was pretty counter-productive to reenact several Sentai series to grind experience points. OH COME ON, I’m sure that the ‘le epic nerd culture’ community will get an indirect Ready Player One reference.”

            “This is your greatest warrior against me? Pathetic…” Elsa flash froze Emily in only a second. “Now is the time for the winter of your dismemberment.”

            “>implying” Emily shattered the ice effortlessly. “I have energy absorption powers that let me use excess energy to destroy your endothermic traps. Let’s make this fight completely fresh because Lightning never strikes the exact same way twice.”

            Emily uppercut Elsa high into the sky; slammed into her at near supersonic speed and repeated several consecutive times. Elsa’s corpse crashed to the ground with a sickening snap. Unlike the ‘limited human’ version, this new Elsa wasn’t limited by the weakness of a mere human body. Her form distorted into something hideous and honed to kill. It swiped a deformed tentacle in Emily’s direction trying to grab the pest. “You didn’t think I’d ACTUALLY let you adapt, did you?” Time rewound to the moment of Elsa impacting the ground once again. Elsa repeated her transformation once again to yield the same result. She looked around to see that time around the two came to a complete standstill. What was happening?

            “You’re probably wondering how I have you locked in this moment, Elsa. It’s rather simple, actually.” Emily floated just out of Elsa’s reach. “I’ve stacked the effects of Witch Time and Recall to effectively make your existence into 12 seconds on a loop.” Emily kept the loop running to show Elsa the hopelessness of their situation. “You’re not even that special of an ancient Octo weapon. All you are is a glorified pet that some edgy loser let run free. I offer you up as the exchange to return to my original dimension. You hear that, Kek?” Emily spoke to a light hovering above them. “We finally found that hamster you flushed down the toilet.” The Seven deities accepted Emily’s offering instantaneously. Elsa vanished into nothing along with the looped moment in time. “I told you it would be fresh.” Emily struck Marie’s pose in celebration. The overwhelming sense of freshness thawed out Bush and Bayley.

            “See? I told you that she could do it!” Ripley cheered. “Mom is the best!”

            “I do believe we just experienced a Christmas miracle. Even this bitter soul can appreciate the magic of the season.” Bray removed his hat in awe of the spectacle he had just seen. “I love this town.”

             Emily pushed past the celebrating humans to address her creation directly. “AV, I don’t know how you’re real or why, but thanks for being there for me when I needed it.”

            “I’m not stranger to these dimensional rifts.” AV tried to shake off the inherent oddity of chatting with his creator. “It is odd to pop up again after remaining dormant for so long. Is it just the entropy inevitability? Oh, have you met Chikai? Ripley, the weird floating girl who calls you mom, put her in an unrecognizable body.”

            “Chikai is here?” Emily picked up Chikai’s meme-fueled body in very much the way a parent handles a child. “It has been too long since I acknowledged you. That’s all going to change now!”

            “I appreciate the gesture.” Chikai zoned out. “AV, the layers of reality are repairing themselves! We’ll be returning to our time and space shortly.”

            “Don’t think of this as good bye, Emily. Think of it as fresh start.” AV’s words echoed for emphasis. In a flash, he and Chikai’s chip were gone. Chikai’s temporary body reverted to its components as if it were Cinderella’s carriage at Midnight. Emily knew deep down that she’d see the two of them and meet the rest of the Senseless Violence Squad soon enough. Far more insane things were happening on almost a daily basis already.

            Emily tapped her foot impatiently. “You have some very complicated explaining to do, Ripley. I can understand hanging out with a former President, but who are these other two people?”

            “Mom, you always knew how to make me laugh.” Ripley laughed uneasily.

            “Ripley, is that guy playing with Lego your boyfriend or something? He looks awfully old to be dating a girl your age.”

            “No! It’s not like that at all!” Ripley let out a giant anime sweatdrop.

            After some initial misunderstandings, Emily came to understand how the strange group had come together. It’s not necessarily who you spend your holidays with but rather how you spend your time together. If the Fast and Furious movies have taught us anything, it is that the definition of ‘family’ is more open than a 24-hour Safeway and even more accommodating. Gus generously agreed to drive everyone back to their destinations. Finn, Bayley and Bray got off at Madison Square Garden with management none the wiser to their little adventure. At Bush’s insistence, the taxi drove all the way to the Rees household in Connecticut. He wouldn’t elaborate to Emily about what exactly Ripley had done to traumatize him so much. Grandma and Claire were incredibly surprised to see Emily with Claire and Renegade Pirate Captain Leader President George W. Bush Powerboat the Third Thunder Impact Nitro RAW Underground New Evolution nWo DX Wolfpack Smackdown Mucha Lucha. It was their first Christmas together as a family + George W. Bush. Volcano Storm survived the alien disease, by the way. That’s a DIFFERENT seasonal event/crossover, though.

            Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight… Stay tuned for next year where Claire teams up with New Japan Wrestling talent, Chuck E. Cheese, the ‘fast talking guy’ from the Micro Machines commercials, Civilization Gandhi, Alex Trebeck and a MYSTERY GUEST to save Easter. Comment down below if you actually want that to happen.  

            STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY FRESH!